Lancel and Gretzil
by RedcurrantSmoothie
Summary: When mean old Sam and Astrid kick Lancel and Gretzil out of town, they embark on a not-so-epic adventure into the woods. But what will happen when the evil cannibal witch Diana decides that she wants Lancel Pie and Pretzils for her dinner? Complete crack.


**Just a weird, random crackfic written at 3am. Don't take this seriously.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gone or these characters.**

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Gretzil Sperry and Lancel were so close that most people assumed them to be siblings, but to them, their bond was even stronger than that of two brothers. They lived together, killed together, vandalised the town together. Name any activity and it was likely that they did it together. Even shower (their argument was that there wasn't enough water left to have one each). The only thing they didn't usually do together was go off wandering into the desert leaving a trail of breadcrumbs, but all that was about to change.

One day, Gretzil thought it would be the best idea to set the town on fire. Hopefully, all those disgusting freaks would die, leaving him and Lancel to be alone together. Unfortunately, that didn't go so well with Sam Temple, the leader of the FAYZ.

"No, Gretzil, we can't allow you to burn down the town," Sam sighed in exasperation.

"Why not?" Gretzil whined in return, crossing his arms like a little child whose parents refused to buy him the latest toy car.

"Because it's impractical, immoral and downright idiotic, that's why," snapped Astrid, Sam Temple's girlfriend who liked to believe she was better than everybody else because she was clever.

"It's okay, Gretzil, we don't have to burn down the town," Lancel said, putting his arm around Gretzil to try and comfort him.

"Yes we do! I WANT TO BURN THE TOWN DOWN!" Gretzil screamed while stamping his feet on the floor in a rage. He yelled and yelled in a seemingly endless tantrum, until the blonde girl slapped him.

"No, Gretzil, if you mention burni-." Astrid began, before being rudely cut off by the freak-hater.

"I. WANT. TO. SET. THE. WORLD. ON. FIIIIIIIIRE." Gretzil screeched, singing the last few words tunelessly.

"That's it. Get out of this town and don't come back," Astrid snarled, pushing them out of the door.

Lancel tried to protest, but Sam's fist was ablaze, a warning not to question her. The two lovers had no choice but to obey. With no possessions to call their own, the two boys set off on a quest to find a new home. Lancel had the brilliant idea to use breadcrumbs to track their trail just in case they got lost.

_I love Lancel, _Gretzil thought to himself, _he's so smart. And hot._

"Thanks," Lancel mumbled as his cheeks turned the colour of a tomato.

Gretzil felt like he could have smacked himself in the face. Did he really just say that out loud? He looked at Lancel, expecting an expression of hatred or perhaps mocking, but no, he was smiling. Gretzil couldn't help but smile in return.

They carried on walking aimlessly or another few hours. Admittedly, they hadn't actually came up with a plan for where they were going to go. Gretzil had suggested the desert, but Lancel told him not to go there; the mineshaft and coyotes were pretty unappealing. As sunset approached, all Gretzil could think about was the night he could spend with Lancel. And the night after that. And the night after that… Yes, this was much better than burning down the town. They could stay together without having to worry about putting the fire out afterwards. Gretzil grinned to himself, but then heard a strange grumbling noise.

"Coyotes!" Gretzil exclaimed in terror.

"Gretzil, dude, that's your stomach," Lancel laughed. Gretzil looked down at his feet, feeling like a complete fool. But Lancel was so handsome, such a blonde warrior God that he couldn't stay mad at him. "Okay, no more jokes, where are we going to stay?" Lancel asked.

"Um, we could camp there?" Gretzil suggested, gesturing to the forest in front of them. He'd guessed they'd reached the Stefano Rey.

"With what tent?"

Gretzil had no answer, so he reverted to his default. "Death to freaks?"

Lancel ignored this comment, and engaged in a deep thought. He was so hot when he did that. "That's not a bad idea, actually. Orsay lived here at the start of the FAYZ, so there's bound to be tents or at least somewhere to say. And I bet you that there's food here too," Lancel said, as he charged off into the woods. Gretzil sighed a dreamy sigh and followed him.

They delved deeper and deeper into the woods, neither wanting to admit they were lost. They were walking in the woods, nobody else was around, and they had no phones because they were dead. Out of the corner of his eye, Lancel spotted something…

"Look! A house!" Lancel shouted, pointing to a small cottage in the distance. They sprinted towards it, and their faces were filled with amazement as they saw a house the colour of gingerbread…No, it was _actual _gingerbread, adorned with rainbow icing and every kind of sweet you could imagine.

They were about to feast on the glorious discovery, but Lancel spoke up. "Something doesn't seem right here."

"Why? It's a freakin' candy house! What's to be worried about? An evil cannibal witch living here who kidnaps us and tries to eat us?" Gretzil snorted as he grabbed a red vine off the window. Lancel frowned, but continued to break pieces off the house. Gretzil talked about how they could live here forever, just eating the house.

Suddenly, they heard a mysterious cackle coming from behind them. Gingerly, they turned around to see Diana standing behind them. "Are you losers okay?" Diana smirked.

"Yeah," Gretzil said, "we were just leaving."

"No need! Stay here and enjoy my house and all it has to offer," she winked.

Gretzil and Lancel looked at each other for confirmation, and they agreed to follow her into the house.

Diana grinned in triumph as she began to inform them of the rules. "Gretzil, you will do all the household chores and Lancel, you come with me."

Gretzil looked on in horror as she dragged Lancel towards her bedroom. What terrible things would she do to him in there? He'd heard all about the terrifying things that boys and girls do in bedrooms: watching Glee, talking about homework, _studying. _He dreaded to think what could happen to Lancel.

"Get sweeping!" Diana yelled from the next room. Gretzil shed a tear as he picked up the room, fearing for what would happen to his friend.

For the next week, moans and groans and all sorts of uncomfortable sounds echoed through the house. Gretzil had only briefly glanced at Lancel once during that whole time period, and it was torture. He couldn't stand it any longer, so he threw the sweeping brush into Diana's face as she was talking to him and dashed to the bedroom.

To his horror, Lancel was sitting in a cage, feasting on cakes and biscuits and sweets and all other sorts of heavenly confectionary items. "Lancel! What is this witch doing to you?" Gretzil gasped, unable to believe what he was seeing.

Lancel didn't reply, for he was too busy gorging on a Swiss roll. Gretzil took a good look at Lancel and was left speechless. Lancel had gained a lot of weight. A lot.

"What's this foul woman done to you? You're not a blonde warrior God any more," Gretzil said quietly.

"But he sure will taste like one," came a cackling voice form behind him. Diana.

"Diana! What have you done to him?" Gretzil demanded fiercely. Nobody fattened Lance up without his permission.

"None of your business, and if you don't mind, would you please clean the inside of the oven?" Diana sneered with an evil look in her eye. If evil truly existed, it was in her.

Gretzil sighed, but agreed. He walked over to the kitchen and stuck his head in the oven. "Hey, this oven looks pretty clean to me."

"It won't be when you're cooking inside it, ahahahahahah!" Diana hooted cruelly. "That's right, I'm going to have Pretzils for my dinner."

"Pretzils?" Gretzil cocked his head in confusion.

"Are you really that dumb? PretZILS. Like Gretzil. Like you."

"Oooh, I get it." Gretzil chuckled. "That's clever."

"And next week, I'm having Lancel Pie," Diana boasted.

"That's not quite as clever."

"I know get in that oven," Diana pointed to the oven.

"NEVERRRRR!"

"NOW."

"NEVER."

Diana snarled, and leaned forward to push Gretzil into the oven, when all of a sudden a huge blonde boy came rolling into the room. Lancel! He'd come to save him!

"YOU DARE EAT MY PRECIOUS LITTLE GRETZIL? NO, WE EAT YOU, CHUD!" Lancel bellowed as he rolled on top of Diana, his layers of flab crushing her. Her screams were muffled by mountains of fat as she became slowly overpowered by the godlike teenager.

He rolled away to reveal a crushed brunette, her eyes devoid of life.

"That'll teach you to mess with my beloved!" Lancel spat, as he picked her up and threw her in the oven.

"Lancel, you saved my life! I love you!" Gretzil said, jumping into his arms, though because Lancel had quadrupled in size during the last ten minutes, he landed on his stomach. "I'm never letting you out of my sight again."

"I love you too, now let's get my figure back again."

**FIN**


End file.
